Are you thinking of leaving?

Recently, I was talking with a friend who is navigating a job transition and she expressed a bag of mixed feelings from excitement to pure terror.  The questions that she continued to circle back to were “Is this the right move for me? Will I regret it?” It’s a question that we can all relate to asking ourselves in times of transition or change, especially when we have full control to take action or not.

I was struck by her references as she weighed out the pros and cons of her current job and expressed her ambivalence about leaving “too soon”.  Could it get better? Maybe she was asking for too much? Maybe she would wish she had stayed if she left?  

My brows raised as I realized that this sounded eerily familiar.  The concerns echoed similar questions that couples that I work with tend to ask about their relationship issues.

She had been in a dissatisfying relationship with Job A for several years.  She couldn’t fathom repeating the same thing with Job B.  How was she here again? And more importantly, how would she make sure that the TBD Job C wasn’t a doozy? 

It was like going to a new pharmacy but getting the same prescription and wondering why you have the same side effects.  

So often we feel relief upon ending a toxic relationship, which is great!   BUT, if we leave with the sole purpose and focus to exit, we make ourselves susceptible to exiting into anything else.  This leaves us vulnerable to making new choices but with similar voids.

It is important that you are not fleeing into something else without exploring what it is that you valued that didn’t align with that relationship. 

Otherwise……new partner, same issues, new job, same issues…..

What do you value that your last job gave zero fu*ks about?  What did you appreciate that you want to make sure your new partner has?  What parts of yourself did you have to hide away to “survive” that you never want to box away again?  Those are questions to ask when you put yourself out there back on the market. For a job or a human.

Planning and making your escape isn’t enough of a “fix”.

Sometimes we are so focused on what we aren’t getting and what we are unhappy with, that we forget to note the things that we do appreciate.  So we go from having flexible work-from-home hours with crap benefits...to a lovers-lane benefits package but with a work culture that expects us to eat grapes at our desk through lunch.  Is either of those sustainable?

If you are solely looking for what you don’t have in your next partnership, you may overlook what you do have (core needs) and miss that Plan B or C doesn’t have those appreciated-yet-taken-for-granted qualities.

How can you avoid blindly fleeing head-first into a concrete wall?  You can start by taking your self-care seriously day-by-day. Not just when you are stressed or things aren’t going your way!  

Mindfulness is so undervalued! 

When you are intentionally making mindfulness a priority on a regular basis, you will be more in tune with when things feel a bit off.  You will pick up on people, things, places, and policies that don’t align with your values. You will be more attuned with your body and our bodies speak volumes when we are out of alignment.   

All of this is significant in that you will be less likely to hit “rock bottom”.  It is from that place of desperation that we flee into the madness simply trying to escape. When you are regularly practicing self-care, you will experience more clarity as you navigate concerns.

Here are some examples:

Before: “If only I could get away from my boss, I would be happy! My boss is the issue!”

After: “I don’t work well with micromanaging, it’s really important that my next job gives me the space to do my own projects and trust that I will seek help if necessary”.

Before: “Ugh Kyle was so clingy, I’m so glad to be out of that relationship!”

After: “It’s really important for me to be with someone who values autonomy and independence which aligns with the introverted parts of me.”

The former focuses on the boss or the partner as the problem. The latter has more substance, gives you accountability, addresses a need (instead of a problem) and is easier to suss out and explore in new opportunities.

If you don’t have a mindfulness practice, you can start today with a 5 minute meditation app or even just 5 minutes of silence in the morning upon waking up.  You will be in a much better state to answer any concerns from within as you grow in mindfulness.