How to Persuade Your Partner into Couples Therapy

Have you tried convincing your partner to go to couples therapy without success? It can be frustrating when your partner refuses to try couples therapy, especially if you are having recurring fights that go unresolved. It may seem like your only option is to hope that things get better with time. But, what if they don’t?

As a seasoned couples therapist, here are a few suggestions that can help you get unstuck when you and your partner are on different pages about going to couples therapy.

1. Validate. Validate. Validate.

Open a dialogue with your partner to revisit their reasons for not wanting to go to therapy. Remember, that this conversation’s purpose is to listen to understand (not to convince or change their mind). Simply listen and reflect what you’ve heard and ask further questions to better understand them through genuine curiosity. Validate their feelings or worries. Validate their ambivalence if they are unsure or nervous. 

Remember that you can validate them without having the same perspective.

“Yes, I understand that talking to a stranger about our intimate relationship could feel weird”

Instead of…

“You shouldn’t feel that way! They are licensed professionals, it’s what they do!”

Once your partner feels heard and validated, they may be more likely to better understand and appreciate your perspective. And that can be an opening to addressing their concerns while also considering couples therapy.

2. Focus on Mutual Relationship Goals

This is a perfect segue after validating your partner. Shift the conversation into identifying your shared goals for the relationship. (This isn’t about HOW you reach those goals yet). It’s important for you both to feel joined in wanting to go in the same direction. This is about highlighting where you both ARE on the same page. Try to make this conversation solution focused - on what you BOTH want for the relationship - rather than what you don’t want. 

For example, “We both want to learn how to communicate better” or “We want to improve intimacy” 

Rather than…

 “We want to stop fighting about little things”

This is about connecting on where you both want to be in the relationship. This has a better chance of your partner possibly opening up to the idea of couples therapy.

3. Attend a Few Consultations

Invite your partner to join you in scheduling a few non-committal consultations. Most couples therapists offer free consultations. It’s a great way to get a feeling for different therapists and to see if you both feel a connection before potentially scheduling an appointment. Sometimes a consultation can put a lot of fears to rest in itself.

Scheduling consultations is also a good way for you both to identify what criteria is important to you in a couples therapist. It’s a great way to filter for therapists that may be better suited given any concerns your partner has (i.e. gender, fee, ethnicity etc.)

Remember that consultations are about finding a good-fit therapist. Not just any couples therapist. It’s important that you and your partner feel comfortable moving forward (though it’s normal to feel a little nervous). Make sure to emphasize that these are consultations only. It’s similar to dating! Think of it like going on a quick coffee date to see if you all vibe - no pressure. Your partner will likely be more open if it’s clear that you will only move forward if it’s a mutual choice.

Hopefully, these three steps can be helpful in encouraging your partner to consider couples therapy. If you can hear each other’s perspectives and are aligned on your goals for the relationship, couples therapy can be the bridge to shifting your relationship from where you are to where you both want it to be.