New Year Tips for Setting Intentions

One of my favorite words by far is “intention”.  It might even be up there with my obsession with Prince to be honest.  RIP beautiful one. But I digress….

Behind closed doors in my office, I sometimes worry that I’ve overkilled the use of the word and that my clients may swat it away like an annoying fly.  It is my hope that the significance behind the word “intention” isn’t lost by my saying it more often than Trump tweets. That being said, what does being intentional really mean?  And what does it look like in our relationships?

According to vocabulary.com, intention is “an idea that you plan (or intend) to carry out. Your goal, purpose, or aim is your intention. It's something you mean to do.”

Whether that intention pans out is another story.  We can say that we have intention to be more mindful or to take better care of ourselves.  But what exactly does that look like? Simply making the statement isn’t enough. I find that the more specific we are with our intentions, the likelihood of pulling it off is much higher.

Let’s say I’m meeting with Jim & Nadya and I ask them what they can be more intentional about until our next session.  Nadya responds with “I will be intentional about spending more quality time together” and Jim nods his head in agreement.

To be clear, that intention sounds lovely.  It’s a nice sentiment. But what makes that statement an intention….versus it simply being a voiced desire?   Many of my clients really want to work towards better communication or healthy conflict resolution, but the “how” is just too darn vague or it’s non-existent.

Because this is such a common theme that I help clients to sort through, I came up with some questions that you can ask yourself if you are having a hard time with getting results via your intention.  It can also be helpful if you feel like you are being intentional and your partner feels otherwise!  If you are ready to get more specific when working towards a relationship goal, check out these three tips for intention!

1. Why?  What’s at stake?

Yes, I am suggesting you have a pre-intention pow-wow with your partner.  What does that look like? You want to make sure you both have an understanding of the “why’s” behind taking action to improve a part of the relationship.  

A “should” doesn’t suffice.  “We should spend more time together” is about as meaningful as a picture of a sloth taking it’s 5th nap of the day.  It’s cute. But that’s pretty much it. 

Make sure you both identify why you feel you need more quality time together.  Elaborating with reasons such as “I feel disconnected” or “I’m starting to feel like we are just roommates” add weight to a “should” statement.  Nothing makes intention go out the window quicker if what is at stake is overlooked. It is also a great way to assess if your partner has similar feelings. Understanding the reasons behind the intention is crucial to putting it in motion.

2. What does intention actually look like?  

This is where you get crystal clear on what the effort will look like and how it translates to each of you.  For Jim, suggesting and making a reservation for a dinner date may be defined as effort. For Nadya, his “effort” may be dismissed if Jim is checking his phone in the middle of the date. 

It may not be enough to simply be in the same space physically. What makes that time together quality? Discuss actionable behaviors that you both experience as effort as well as discuss what is off the table (i.e. no phones).  It may look different for you both and that’s okay. The point is to get specific and come to an understanding with what effort and intention will look like so that the “trying” isn’t blurry or vague.   

3. Checkin’ In, Not Out...

Before Nadya & Jim embark on their intentions, they should schedule a time on their calendars to revisit and debrief on how it’s going.  Are you feeling more connected? Do you feel like you’ve had more meaningful quality time with one another? Discuss why or why not. Even if it’s going good, a check-in can be fruitful in highlighting what is going well and be encouraging to keep it going.  If either of you fell short in your efforts, explore what got in the way and problem solve how to navigate it together.  

These 3 simple steps can help you and your partner smoothly and clearly set intentions.  Intention thrives off of specificity! Using this guideline will help you and your partner unite on being intentional.  Whether it’s a new concern or an old one that’s resurfaced, you can work towards a more satisfying relationship when you are on the same page with these tips for intention.